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"Leave a message. Or don't. Up to you."

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the misfire text; un: dorsay

[takeroot]

1

[That's it. That's the text. And then, after a minute, equally cryptically:]

1 1 1 1 1
2
is this working even one minuscule bit

[culero]

Coming through loud and clear, but who the hell is this?

[takeroot]

oh!
hello!
my name is constantin
i have a sudden suspicion you are not the "help line" i was directed to

[culero]

Help line?
No, I'm Jackie.

What were you looking for help with, though? I'm curious now.

[takeroot]

as briefly as i can manage: everything
i am as out of my element as i can be
which is novel in brief bursts, i will admit!

so i suppose i am on a desperate quest to find out anything at all!
by pressing 1 for assistance

[culero]

[At least that explains a couple things.]

So you're not one of the locals, then. Same as me.
I can help you out, I guess. Not up to much else at the moment.
Probably won't be able to help with EVERYTHING, but I can see what I can do.
Where do you wanna start?

[takeroot]

if i had known where to start i think i would have gotten the help line on the first try, don't you

[Please understand the depths of total confusion he is working with here through text alone. He is running at 1% and that is just "how to write messages."]

thank you, though, that's generous
let us assume for the time being that i am starting at total ignorance
what do you recommend

[culero]

Good point.

Are you in any danger? Or was it not that kind of help line?
Also if you were looking for answers about how we got here and how to get home, I also don't have answers for you there, just questions of my own.
I can try narrowing down my help, amigo, but I need as much specificity as you can manage so I know where to start.

And you're not totally ignorant. You managed to press 1 pretty well..

[takeroot]

yes, my talents at pressing 1 are the stuff of legend
they will write songs about it!
1

but no, i am quite safe and healthy
remarkably so!
mostly i haven't the faintest idea how any of these light up machines work

[culero]

Light up machines?
You mean your phone?
The one you're using right now to send me messages?

[Oh boy. This is going to take a while, and unfortunately Jackie has nothing but time.]

So, I guess...first, it's called a phone. You can use it for a bunch of shit. Mostly it's used for communicating with other people or looking up information.

[takeroot]

among others
i brought a very modern lantern with me here and it burns oil
if that helps

[Skill level: trying his best.]

like a pocket library
?

[culero]

Chingada madre.
Okay, okay. Let's start from the top.
Phone for communication, and yeah, pocket library.

Sending pictures. Touch the little icon of the camera.

[And seconds later, an afterthought.]

The camera is the rectangle shape thing with the circle in the middle. 📷

[takeroot]

thank you, i was dangerously close to pressing 1 again

[There is an... extended pause. Like the "ye olde trying to take a picture after learning how to open the app" length pause, maybe, specifically. A while. Then:]

how do i send the picture

[culero]

There's a small cross thing and it should give the option to send an image. You know what a plus sign is? You know what math is right? That's like, ancient, right?

Anyway pick the pic that you took that you wanna send and touch send.

[And hopefully he gets a selfie or something to be able to identify who the hell he's talking to. All he has right now is a name.]

[takeroot]

of course i know what arithmetic is
the ancient texts are very specific about adding

[He can, indeed, press 1! He knows about numbers and everything! But anyway, luckily it is a selfie, not that he knows that mysterious term, and it's one of those selfies where he is frowning down at the camera buttons instead of looking at the lens, but: it's a face, and that's what counts.]

do you see it

[culero]

I see it.
It's...not the most flattering angle, but yeah I see it.
Hey handsome.

[And because he's not a rude asshole, he sends one of himself back. It's baby steps toward what might end up a video call.]

And now you know how to take and send a picture. You're 80% to mastery.

[takeroot]

and yet!
my very first picture is permitted to have an odd angle, i should think
in any case!
you're quite dashing, yourself

it's much faster than sitting for a portrait

[At this point he's continuing the old timey bit on purpose, but shh, details. It is faster.]

[culero]

Don't worry. The more you do it, the better you'll get at it.
It's a whole art, but I can't teach you more since I'm no expert myself.

[Sitting for a portrait? Jackie is laughing without meaning to, but thankfully they can't hear each other or he might have been wrong about the not being rude bit.]

Next lesson: Apps. Each of those icons on the main screen is an application and it does something different. I'm not going through them all because you can probably figure them out by trial and error. Just play around with it.

[takeroot]

[Hold on, this cat gif is the first of its kind he has ever seen--]

i will practice my picture-taking diligently, i suppose
but
surely you wouldn't not tell me which "app" will help me to find cats
???

[culero]

[Jackie spends the next several texts walking him through the process of how to find, favorite, and send his own gifs. He explains what memes are, what they're for, and how to use them. A general walkthrough of double-entendre emoji brings him to the awkward but final lesson (until he can come up with something else): sexting.]

I think the peach and eggplant are pretty self-explanatory, but I thought I should warn you before I get to sexting.

[takeroot]

[Constantin will remember... most of this, probably. A decent amount. He'll never use a meme correctly, certainly, but he'll make the effort.

But oh! Colorful innuendo produce. Okay.]

🍆 this ?
i can see the raw sexual appeal

do go on

[culero]

Sometimes, when two people like each other a lot but can't meet up in person for whatever reason they send each other suggestive messages: sexting.

A lot of the time that involves sending pics of your 🍆 or 🍑 to someone. I should note that you should never send nudes to someone unsolicited. It's generally frowned upon unless you trust the person on the other end not to share it with everyone you know. Got it?

[takeroot]

[Something about the very educational tone of this makes him chuckle, in an endeared kind of way... But it's helpful!]

i am not nearly talented enough at taking pictures to send anything to anyone unsolicited!
but yes, of course, that's simply good manners
i've got it

[culero]

Is there anything else I can teach you?
Having a hard time thinking of anything else. I think you can get by on just texting and meme-ing.

[takeroot]

i do wonder if "meme-ing" is beyond my particular set of skills

[It is.]

but i believe i've taken up as much of your time as i can without being rude!
let me make it up to you, sometime
i'll regale you with the intricacies of sitting for portraits!