culero | IC CONTACT

among others
i brought a very modern lantern with me here and it burns oil
if that helps

[Skill level: trying his best.]

like a pocket library
?

Chingada madre.
Okay, okay. Let's start from the top.
Phone for communication, and yeah, pocket library.

Sending pictures. Touch the little icon of the camera.

[And seconds later, an afterthought.]

The camera is the rectangle shape thing with the circle in the middle. 📷

thank you, i was dangerously close to pressing 1 again

[There is an... extended pause. Like the "ye olde trying to take a picture after learning how to open the app" length pause, maybe, specifically. A while. Then:]

how do i send the picture

There's a small cross thing and it should give the option to send an image. You know what a plus sign is? You know what math is right? That's like, ancient, right?

Anyway pick the pic that you took that you wanna send and touch send.

[And hopefully he gets a selfie or something to be able to identify who the hell he's talking to. All he has right now is a name.]

of course i know what arithmetic is
the ancient texts are very specific about adding

[He can, indeed, press 1! He knows about numbers and everything! But anyway, luckily it is a selfie, not that he knows that mysterious term, and it's one of those selfies where he is frowning down at the camera buttons instead of looking at the lens, but: it's a face, and that's what counts.]

do you see it

I see it.
It's...not the most flattering angle, but yeah I see it.
Hey handsome.

[And because he's not a rude asshole, he sends one of himself back. It's baby steps toward what might end up a video call.]

And now you know how to take and send a picture. You're 80% to mastery.

and yet!
my very first picture is permitted to have an odd angle, i should think
in any case!
you're quite dashing, yourself

it's much faster than sitting for a portrait

[At this point he's continuing the old timey bit on purpose, but shh, details. It is faster.]

Don't worry. The more you do it, the better you'll get at it.
It's a whole art, but I can't teach you more since I'm no expert myself.

[Sitting for a portrait? Jackie is laughing without meaning to, but thankfully they can't hear each other or he might have been wrong about the not being rude bit.]

Next lesson: Apps. Each of those icons on the main screen is an application and it does something different. I'm not going through them all because you can probably figure them out by trial and error. Just play around with it.

[Hold on, this cat gif is the first of its kind he has ever seen--]

i will practice my picture-taking diligently, i suppose
but
surely you wouldn't not tell me which "app" will help me to find cats
???

[Jackie spends the next several texts walking him through the process of how to find, favorite, and send his own gifs. He explains what memes are, what they're for, and how to use them. A general walkthrough of double-entendre emoji brings him to the awkward but final lesson (until he can come up with something else): sexting.]

I think the peach and eggplant are pretty self-explanatory, but I thought I should warn you before I get to sexting.

[Constantin will remember... most of this, probably. A decent amount. He'll never use a meme correctly, certainly, but he'll make the effort.

But oh! Colorful innuendo produce. Okay.]

🍆 this ?
i can see the raw sexual appeal

do go on

Sometimes, when two people like each other a lot but can't meet up in person for whatever reason they send each other suggestive messages: sexting.

A lot of the time that involves sending pics of your 🍆 or 🍑 to someone. I should note that you should never send nudes to someone unsolicited. It's generally frowned upon unless you trust the person on the other end not to share it with everyone you know. Got it?

[Something about the very educational tone of this makes him chuckle, in an endeared kind of way... But it's helpful!]

i am not nearly talented enough at taking pictures to send anything to anyone unsolicited!
but yes, of course, that's simply good manners
i've got it

Is there anything else I can teach you?
Having a hard time thinking of anything else. I think you can get by on just texting and meme-ing.

i do wonder if "meme-ing" is beyond my particular set of skills

[It is.]

but i believe i've taken up as much of your time as i can without being rude!
let me make it up to you, sometime
i'll regale you with the intricacies of sitting for portraits!

[Not so fast. Jackie calls his new friend. Not just a regular call. If Constantin hits the green button instead of the red one, Jackie's picture will appear on the screen instead. His voice will come shortly after.]

How exactly are you planning to make it up to me, amigo?

[Oh, hello-- Green it is, and it takes him an additional moment to realize his own little face is up there in the corner, so hmm-- feel free to critique his angle again, he's working on it.]

Are you saying you'd rather not hear about the portraits? [aha....] I could buy you a drink, if you happen to know where the nearest tavern is.

It's not that I don't want to hear about the portraits, but drinks are definitely more up my alley. I can hear all about it over something strong.

[Tavern, though? He can't hide the silly grin on his face as he tries to wrap his head around just how old this man has to be to not know the term bar.]

Bars, friend, we drink in bars. Or pubs. Taverns are..they don't exist anymore where I'm from.

[He waves a hand, which makes his camera angle slide a little more for a second as he isn't desperately holding the phone still with both hands, but ah- taverns, bars, yes yes.]

How different could it possibly be? It hardly matters— anything with a tap will do! I will treat you to something strong and probably very colorful, like the rest of this city.

[Jackie can't help but be amused at this whole situation. In person Constantin is probably far less amusing, or more if he factors in hand gestures and charisma. He's clearly make for a great drinking partner even if the way he speaks and his fashion sense is incredibly antiquated.]

I don't know. Don't really trust anything that's too colorful, but that might be all they have here. What's your drink of choice? Wait, no, lemme guess. Wine? Ale?

[He's really not trying to be a dickhead about their difference in time period, but Jackie can't really help it, and it's all in good fun. The other man probably thinks he looks strange too with all the circuitry on his face.]

Either way, it's gonna be an interesting cultural exchange.

What's wrong with wine and ale? Only the cheapest swill at the rowdiest taverns sets the most interesting mood, most certainly.

[This one is only kind of a joke, but as Constantin does not plan on getting himself thrown into a table hard enough to break its legs off anytime soon, perhaps emphasis on "kind of." Anyway, cultural exchange, yes... That is a term for it.

Well, he likes Drinks and he won't turn down even the most minor bit of socializing, so. Cultural exchange it is!]

What do you recommend instead? If I drink your incredibly modern liquor, you must promise not to treat me like a relic too often.

Nothing, nothing, I swear. I'm just giving you a hard time.

[Jackie's gone from smirking to chuckling at the mental image of rowdy taverns next to what a packed bar might look like. For whatever reason that tickles him to no end, and the way Constantin responds to it is even more amusing. Clearly he hasn't had much excitement going on lately.]

Tequila or mezcal. Wouldn't call it modern, but it's plenty different than wine or ale. Good stuff would knock you on your ass, hermano. If you can keep up with me, I'll never treat you like a relic. En serio.

I've never heard of either of those, but I am feeling up to the challenge.

[He's going to make some bad tequila choices, but that's fine, he'll learn. It's a process and no one has ever accused him of having fantastic self-preservation skills, actually.

Plus, sitting around in his dull new apartment is even duller when there's liquor decisions to be made out in the world.]

What does that mean, en—? [Another little gesture, like, you know,] Well, far be it from me to spoil the whole word like some kind of oaf.

[Good tequila just hits different. He's excited to share that with his new friend if they can find a close enough approximation to it. Otherwise he's going to be wine and ale-ing it up with Constantin instead.]

Sorry. [He's used to his words being automatically translated by bioware. Then he remembers that he and his people might be the only ones with bioware in this place because it clearly doesn't exist for Constantin.] Bad habit. It's just Spanish.

Tell me more about where you came from. What's the place called?

[Just wait until Constantin discovers some wine comes in a box. The novelty!! In any case- he sort of... hums mildly, with absolutely no recognition of "Spanish" whatsoever. Well, it does sound nice!]

Well— my city is New Serene, on the island of Teer Fradee. But I was born and raised in Serene itself, capital city of the Merchant Congregation.

[A beat, for emphasis, then,] Any bit of that ring familiar at all?

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text -> video

video!

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